In
The Mastery of Love,
Don Miguel Ruiz tells this story about a man who didn't believe in
love. This was an ordinary man just like you or me, but what made this
man special was his way of thinking: He thought
love didn't exist.
Of course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love, and he had
observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent
searching for love, only to find that love didn't exist.
Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but
an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate
the weak mind of humans, to have control over humans, to make them
believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could
ever find love even though he might look for it.
This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He read a
lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a
respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any
kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that
love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a
strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens
when you don't receive your daily dose?
Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a
beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt
curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked
why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she
was crying because love didn't exist. He said, "This is amazing—a woman
who believes that love doesn't exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more
about her.
"Why do you say love doesn't exist?" he asked.
"Well, it's a long story," she replied. "I married when I was young,
with all the love, all the illusions, full of hope that I would share my
life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and
honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the
devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband
continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of
home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me,
and I for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered
that I didn't love him, and he didn't love me."
Understanding the woman very well, the man embraced her and said,
"You're right. Love doesn't exist. We look for love, we open our heart
and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. It doesn't matter
how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again.
Why even search for love any longer?"
They were so much alike, they became the best of friends. It was a
wonderful relationship. They respected each other and they never put
each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy.
There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, there was no
possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to
be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun.
When they were apart, they missed each other.
One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest feeling. He
was thinking, " Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so
different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say
it is, it's not what religions say it is, because I am not responsible
for her. I don't take anything from her. I don't have the need for her
to take care of me. I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or to
take my dramas to her. We have the best time together, we enjoy each
other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't
embarrass me; she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when
she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she is successful.
Perhaps love does exist, but it isn't necessarily what everyone thinks
it is."
If you take your happiness and put it in someone else's hands, sooner or
later, they are going to break it. If you give your happiness to
someone else, they can always take it away. Then if happiness can only
come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are
responsible for your happiness, not someone else. That is the mistake
most of us make as we begin to learn about love. We base our happiness
on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. Making all these promises
that we cannot keep simply sets us up for failure.
